Living With Out You

It Has Been 2 Years... Jan 29th 2007

2007-03-04T21:54:00.000-08:00

Well... I am sitting here tonight... alone... thinking of my boy... Wow.. back and forth... laughing and crying... it is so hard... I truly would NEVER wish this on anyone... For some of my newer friends .. My sweet 16 year old son died on January 29th 2005. He died playing a silly game calling "The Choking Game" or "The Pass Out Game" He learned the game at camp the summer before.. and had started playing it on his own. I didn't know... I didn't even know what this 'game' was.. I came home on the 27th and he had just moved into a different room and had just finished decorating it. He was sooo excited he met me at the door that night when I walked in from work.. Come see my room mom.. come on come on.. and I did.. It looked Great... we talked about painting a shelf and putting it above his bed and it would hold his Dan Marino and Jerome Betis footballs... I left his room to change and we called him to dinner 15 minutes later.. he didn't come... so we went down the hall to see what he was doing and the door was open and he was lying face down on the floor.. I called 911 and Ken started CPR... It was one of the two most horrible moments of my life.... He spent two days in Intensive Nuro Care... and we had 48 hrs from the time of the accident to decided whether to let him go .. or to leave him on life support like a vegetable.. all his organs were damaged and his brain kept swelling .. he could never return... so we made the choice to let him go home to our Father in heaven.. No parent should EVER have to do that. Holding my child as his heart stopped beating was the other most horrible moment of my life......
So.... here it is two years later... That gigantic hole in my heart is still there... I have been filling it with the wonderful memories that I have... No one can take them away.. It doesn't go away.. it just gets to be more tolerable...Somedays .. like today.. I give myself permission to just sit here and cry.. I want to share with you some of the things this life lesson has taught me..
1. Be greatful for every moment you have with those you love.. be patient, pay attention.. be loving... be kind... kiss them... hug them... Don't have any regrets. God has lent them to you and be sure to thank him for that.
2. Keep your faith... it is so important... God sends 'angels' to help you...just when you need it the most somebody pops into your life and you just say WOW how did that happen... Thanks Jesus..... just ask and he will carry you through.
3. Forgiveness..... Forgive unto others... as he forgives us... Hard to do sometimes but it can free you.
I am so grateful to all of you that have been here for me... helped me when I was psyco ..... and loved me unconditionally. You are my angels... and I thank God for you everyday!!!!!! Some of you know my pain and we share this cross and journey... I can't name you all ... but you who you are.. and I LOVE YOU MAN!!!!
I miss you Nickster... I know I write it over and over... your smile, your laugh, your scarying the shit out me, lol you helping me do stuff around the house, you driving me around, us all blasting the stereo in the car and singing like rockstars, lol waking you up every morning and you being sooo grumpy, you making me breakfast.. (champion egg flipper) you taking care of your sisters, you hustling my customers and building their swingsets for some extra cash, you reorganizing my cupboards for me monthly.. haha you sitting in your room letting out blood hurdling screams while playing that freakin X-box, that blank look on your face when I ask you were your progress report is... fighting over who is going to get the last of the mashed potatoes, ... I guess you were just like my best friend and I miss it all!!!! I know you are with me... I feel that in my heart.... I guess just like the song.. what gives me hope is knowing we will be together again someday...
Peace... Peace... my baby boy.... my best friend.. I miss you more than words can describe....... I Love You, Mom...
If you are reading this and you have a memory.. please share.. That always cheers me up!! You can also visit his website at www.nickserna.com

2006-10-25T12:38:00.000-07:00

Thursday, August 31, 2006
Age Current mood: calm Category: Life
Sometimes it is hard to believe that so much time has pasted us by.. I know I have been alive for 40 years and when I look in the mirror I think ... what happened... I know your only 25 or so??? Time ..... I guess when I sit back and think about all that has happened since I was 25... haha WOW... I have been given some tough lessons... and some really great rewards!! Jesus has a plan for us all!! Figuring out how to execute it is sometimes difficult, but I do believe if you have FAITH, and ask for some guidence you will find your way. If you would have asked me in my early 20's how I thought life would have turned out .. haha I would have NEVER guessed I would have lived through divorce 3 times... and NEVER would have imagined living through my son's death. Even though bad things happen... and the do... I have been able to learn that the GREATEST gift of all is the ability to be thankful to Christ for all the gifts he has givin me.. and the ability to forgive. When Nick was in the hospital and we had to make the decision to turn off the life support I was at the LOWEST point of my life. There is nothing that will ever compare....ever! When Blanca told me I should think about all the gifts I had been given I looked at her like she was crazy.. I said what the hell are you talking about?? My son is going to die..??? She told me I had to be grateful for the 16 yrs and 4 months that God lent him to me... He had taught me what is was to be a mom, what is was to love unconditionly, he made grow up and be a responsible adult. This child was my best friend and was by my side through thick and thin.... Almost every thought about my past includes him. The message Blanca gave me that day was that life is made of choices... I could sit in the corner and die or be bitter... or be grateful for the time that was given to me and remember each moment with joy in my heart... As for the other bad things that have happened.... Well lets just say they don't even compare!!! That is the forgiveness part..... Jesus wants us to forgive those that forsake and betray us.... and when you can do that.. it really lightens the load. So I guess I have earned the gray hairs.. and aged look... haha however loving the Lord and keeping Faith first has lightened my heart to still feel young... :) Some people wish they could turn back time.... but I am thinking nahhh I don't want to do that again...I am accepting those things I cannot change... and I am ready for something new with my 25 yrs old heart and my 40 old body... hahahahahahaha

What would have been the 1st Day of your Senior Year

2006-10-25T12:33:00.000-07:00

Monday, August 14, 2006

Would have been the 1st day of Senior Year Current mood: melancholy
Today would be the first day of my son's Senior Year! I wish I could see him today....... Would he be driving or riding the bus??? Would he be picking up his buddies on the way?? How tall would he be now??? I am sure he would have been 6'2 or 6'3 by now... I wish I could see your smile..... I wish I could have woke you up today..... I wish you were here... Today is a hard day... Today I am having a pity party for myself... Life is not fair... I cope with your being gone everyday... just somedays are tough!! I miss you more than words can descibe!!! I know you are hangin' out with Jesus..... I know you are still here in spirit !!! Have a good day with Josh, Katlin, Kayla, James and all the rest of the kids!! I LOVE YOU SON!!!!! I MISS YOU SON!!!
Kiss Kiss My Sweet Angel Boy..... Love ~ Mom :)

The Road and Journey.....

2006-05-28T23:01:00.000-07:00

Hey Nick,

Sorry it has been so long since I have written... I talk to you everyday... A lot has transpired and life has taken some roads I never thought could happen... First the Good News. :) Melissa has been talking to and about you more and more... I got a call from her school counselor and she told me Melissa was in need of more grief counseling and she gave me some names. I called and one of them had a camp for kids and I signed them and myself up. Ken had to work. The girls had a GREAT time and we have been attending the follow up sessions and it has been GREAT for us all. The girls and I made some great new friends that can understand us and we can talk too!! That is so important for them!!!

We went to Eli's graduation on May 25th... it was so awesome to see him graduate. I MISSED YOU more than you can imagine... hard, torcher, sad, are just a few words to descibe the feelings I kept feeling through the ceremony.. I talked to your dad yesterday and he went to Cody's graduation that same night... I asked him how he did and he said it was better than he thought it was going to be.. We will all be at Sandra Day O'Conner next year. It is a hurdle we will make it through. It is so hard my buddy...

Well on to the other news... Ken told me on Easter that he didn't love me anymore.. WOW that was hard. I didn't have a clue.... I offered to do anything to keep our family together.. That was hard for me... but harder for your sisters. He stayed here 2 weeks and told me he really wanted to leave. We were going to both go to counciling and go from there.. The next day he told me there was someone else..... and within a week she left her husband and one of her kids and they moved in together. WOW.... that was rough... He told me that he had given me a year to get over you... hahahahahaha WOW.... I will NEVER get over you... I have learned to accept that I cannot change what happened but I will ALWAYS and FOREVER love you and keep your memories alive. YOU are my child. NOTHING will ever make your life here with me and our family disappear. The girls and I will be okay.... I will take care of them and we will work through this. Please help Melissa as she is still soooooo broken hearted over you.. and now this.... She is so precious to me.. I know you are watching over her... Did you see her hanging all over Eli today.. hahahaha She misses her big brother sooooo much!! It makes me cry to see her hurt. I tryed to move your room around (I didn't think you would mind.. hahaha) and Melinda let me have it.. hahahaha sooooo back to the way it was.. hahaha They miss you and so do I and so many more.

Tomorrow is Memorial Day and we will be at the cemetery at 9:15... We are ready to change those flowers!!! hahaha I love you my sweet boy... I promise I will never get over you... but always keep you in my heart for every minute of my life. You were my flesh and blood.. how exactly is one supposed to get over that??? I don't know.. and never will. Kiss Kiss my sweet angel boy....

I LOVE YOU ALWAYS AND FOREVER AND MISS YOU MORE THAN WORDS CAN SAY
Mom......

Your First Angel Day....

2006-03-12T23:47:00.000-08:00

January 29th, 2006 One year ago I told you to go to Jesus.. How do you tell your baby to do that???? How do you let go of your best friend??? How do you accept your buddy will not be with you in body anymore??? How do feel??? How do breath??? How do you think??? How do you fuction?? How do you go on??? Why is this happening??? Why my baby???? How could this be happening??? What am I going to do??? These are just a few of the questions I had/have.. There are no real answers yet... I keep breathing. Sometimes it is hard. I can tell you the pain in my chest will never go away. I think about you all the time. I sometimes think you are going to come home. I know you won't in body. I think you are here in spirit helping me. It all seems so sureal!!! I hate it without you.

We had a party for you on your Angel Day.. Josh, Aaron, and Candice came over.. and the whole damn family came too!!! :) It was a BIG BASH in your memory. I am sure you were here playing pool with guys in the living room.. or was that you chasing the freakin' loud kids around the yard. hahahaha We all miss you... More than words can descibe.

Loving You Every Minute of Every Day - Mom

Christmas....

2006-03-11T21:58:00.000-08:00

Well..... Where do I start... Christmas .. Wow... Ken got the tree out and even set it up!!! I am sure you were laughing your butt off!! The girls and I put up the decorations.. I made them sit on the floor in the dark with me, drink eggnog and sing Oh Christmas Tree.. :) I will never forget all the years it was just you and me... That first year.. haha that little tree in our little 700 sq ft apartment. ahhahaha I loved sharing a room with you.. living in a toy box... hahahaha I did my cards this year.. Love the picture?? I know you were here with us.. Grandma Judy, Papa Bruce and Justin came for Christmas. Justin stayed in your room. I didn't think you would mind. We went shopping and went to all the stores you loved.. I know you were with me.. I couldn't have done it without you!!! They had a ceremony at the cemetary and the girls got to participate.. hahaha we thought they were going to burn down the building!! hahahahaha I could hear you telling them to pay attention... I did good until the starting singing Silent Night.. That put me over the edge... Well you Dad did a great job decorating your niche' on Christmas!! No one except your Dad can even image how hard that day was. I miss you sooooooooooo much!!!!!!! You are always my pumpkin!!
Love,
Mom

December 11, 2005

2005-12-11T09:44:00.000-08:00

Hey Stud,

Well I am trying hard to deal with Christmas... Grandma and Grandpa have been helping me with some painting and stuff. I know that was always our job.. I think you are here with us... We have been storing stuff in your room this last two weeks and it looks messy... I thought you came home.. ahaha I miss you stud.. I had a rough night last night.. The slide show and guilt..etc.. I hate that... I don't understand why we have to be apart.. I try everyday and I just don't get it.. Please stay close in spirit.. that is the only thing that is getting me through this.. I will write later..

I LOVE YOU and still miss you EVERY minute!!
Mom

Josh's Baptism November 27, 2005

2005-11-28T21:23:00.000-08:00

Hey Nickster,
Well I know you were as proud of Josh tonight as I was!!!!! He made that leap and accepted the Jesus Christ into his heart!!! I was very proud of all 3 boys tonight. Josh is truly your friend. He has made such a difference in my life since you have been gone. I am so grateful you had such a good friend... He has brought me some happiness in all of this ... I know he loved you too.

I wish you could have been there with me.... I know you where in spirit.. :)

Still Missing You Every Minute,
Mom

Thanksgiving 2005

2005-11-28T20:59:00.000-08:00

WOW...... How amazing it is to think I have to keep doing this with you so far away from me... Maybe not far .. but away from me.. I had to think about Thanksgiving and say.....

Lord, today I am thankful to be here on Earth to serve you... I will try to bear this cross you have given me and do my very best to help my brothers and sisters... You told us in the Bible that your people die due to lack of knowledge..... You have given me knowledge in understanding my only son's death and given me the strength to teach the others so they can share this knowledge and not have to bear the cross you gave me.... I thank you for giving me such a wonderful son to teach me the joys of being a parent. I thank you Lord for granting me the peace of understanding his mistake. I thank you Lord for holding my hand through this time of grief and sorrow... I thank you Lord for taking care of my precious child. I thank you Lord for all of the gifts you now give me that help me in my mission.

Nick, I can't possibly miss you more than I do now.. I know you heard me tell you at the dinner table that I took extra spuds for you!!! You will always be my Spud Stud. The pan on the floor... I know.. hahaha I hope you got the balloons we sent up.. We all missed your laugh, your smile, your loud mouth, your obnoxious amount of mashed potatoes.. hahaha It's all about you.. we miss you...

Next week... The stinking X-mas Tree.... You better be here in spirit to hold me together.. Your sisters will be with me.. Help me Jesus.. Help me Nick...

Still Missing You Ever Single Minute,
Mom

Nick on TV Tonight

2005-11-07T20:41:00.000-08:00

Hey Nickster!!! It is almost time to see you on TV... I am so thankful the word is getting out there!!! I miss you more than words... I would give anything to have seen a show on this before you left me.. I wish I would have known... I hope other parents see it and it saves another childs life.... I hope a kid see it and sees that it KILLS people.. I know you would not have played if you would have totally understood this.. To me the rest of my life is a sentence without you... I love our family .... but I miss you more than words can describe.. my heart hurts .... I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!

LOVE MOMMY

Tuesday October 25th, 2005

2005-10-25T15:18:00.000-07:00

Hey Nick,

Well today is Andrew and Cody's Birthday... I am sure you are with them today... I have actually felt calm the past week. Candi said that you are trying to calm me down before I have a Heart Attack!! Your birthday week and week after were crazy!! I MISS YOU SOOOO MUCH!! How did you like the poster Melinda bought for you last Thursday?? When she came in with the "Wild Ride" motorcycle poster I thought wow... starting early for a girl. When she asked me if you would like it if we hung it up in your room I was sure you would have been OK with it.. Can you believe the mean one bought you something without getting anything for herself!! I never thought that would happen.. lol However I am sure you laughed your butt off on Saturday when Melissa blamed you for eating my chocolate bar!! I couldn't help but laugh.. They are still trying to blame you!!! LOL We all miss you and I hate being apart. This is the HARDEST test God could give a person. They alway say he will only give you what you can handle... I have always acted tough.. (Don't tell him.. but I am going to start acting weak .. I cannot take anymore!!! lol) I am so glad you are in my heart today and everyday.. I do much better that way. I miss you my sweet pumpkin boy.. I know, I know, I won't call you that in front of people.. :) Kiss Kiss..

I LOVE YOU
Mom

Happy Birthday Nickster

2005-10-07T14:22:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Sweetpea!! Today is your day! Your "official" entrance into the world was at 2:58 pm.... I am remembering back to that day right now and it was the best day of my life when you made me a mommy... :) You were my son and my friend through the years and I feel like I grew up with you.. You made me understand unconditional love, really life responsibility, and what it was like to be given the ultimate gift of life. When you were a baby you were always a good and sweet boy.. I thanked God for you... When you were a toddler I did a lot of chasing and you were always a smiling, laughing, happy boy. When you hit school you were a lady killer!! I remember the crush you had on your kindergarten Teacher.. LOL You loved to go to school.. Remember the day you walked home on your own and I was driving all over the place looking for you??? I was freakin' out!! LOL I remember when you would come to the store with me and you would put on the smallest vest we had with a name tag and go bag, do go backs, and really want to push in carts.. LOL You could barely see over one but you wanted to push in a train.. If Casey was there you would follow him around like a puppy... When the "Girls" showed up.. WOW you were the BEST!! You helped me with everything, feeding, rocking, changing diapers, loading and unloading, bathtime, and everything inbetween.. YOU ROCK! I could have never done it without you.. Then Ken brought home Sara.. and you gave up your room for her to have her puppies in!! OMG remember the night she had them and we were both in there freakin' out?? What an experience that was!! Then we had to tear out the carpet and re-paint that room..LOL Then the move.. that was crazy.. Ken had to work everyday and we did it together in 3 days!! You were such a stud.. I could have never done it without you.. Remember on a lot of New Year's Eves we would make shrimp plates and you would drink apple cider with me.. :) Then we made it into the new house.. what a lot of painting we did.. You are the best taper ever! I could always depend on you to help me.. you were always ready willing and able.. You would volunteer to clean the garage and work with me to the end. Remember the March of Dimes walks and the Breast Cancer Walks we did..?? Remember the year you took your roller blades and biffed it as you rolled past the news cameras..lol that was funny..

I painted my office a couple of weeks ago.. I was hard to do without you. I know the Christmas lights and tree have to go up this year ... but I will miss doing this with you.. I hope you are with me after it is up and I promise to sit in the dark with the tree lights on, with eggnog, and sing Oh Christmas Tree... I am not looking forward to the holidays this year and just feel sad.. I miss you baby ...... I love you soooooooooooooo much... Your friends are coming over after school and we are going to the cemetery to send our messages to you on some balloons.. After that we are going to Claim Jumper and I am having a Chicken Pot Pie just for you. You know how much I miss you and you know how much I will ALWAYS love you.. Happy Birthday my sweet precious child..

Love,
Mom

"A Special Doorway to Heaven"

2005-09-12T03:12:00.000-07:00

There is a special doorway to Heaven. A young man stands there. He surveys all that God has created, the universe and beyond. He gazes toward earth and says a simple prayer for his mother and family. Jesus calls to him and says, Need not grieve for your family, they are well. The Father has special work for you to do and it includes those of earth whom are so special to you. You are needed here. In time they will see you again and all will be as one. This I promise. The young man turns to Jesus and says, I miss them and they me. My heart wishes to fly through the stars to comfort my mother. Jesus replies, There is no love stronger than the love that was created the day of your earthly birth. That love will last for all eternity. It is a part of your mother and all who's lives you touched. A breath from your mouth she will feel on her cheek. A touch from you she will feel in her heart. Your face with a smile is forever burned into her memory. This will always be. Your words, "I love You" she will always hear. The young man smiles at Jesus. they walk arm in arm away from the portal of youth.
This doorway is for those whose lives were cut short for the only reason that Our Lord needed them to come home early. Special duties await him, a special task that he will be better able to perform from heaven. His love for his mother is endless. As your broken heart mends you will begin to see that he never left your side. Your shadow no longer is yours, it is him. A gentle breeze that lifts your heart is him.
I LOVE YOU NICK!!
Mom

Monday September 12, 2005

2005-09-12T02:37:00.000-07:00

Hey Nick,
I am sitting here tonight... looking at your picture and saying this cannot be true... How can this happen? I know you are here with me because I see your signs.. I hear them sometimes too.. I had so many things to tell you.. I had so many things to I wanted to do with you.. I had so many things I wanted to watch you do.. It is hard to keep my head screwed on straight.. and you will think I look funny if it is crooked..LOL I met some really nice Mom's like me... You probably know there son's and daughters by now.. Do you miss me??? I freakin' miss you!!!! I can't smell you anymore... I miss that allot.. I still call your cell phone to hear your voice.. so does your dad.. The girls miss you too .. I am sure Melinda would give her right arm for a good fight right now.. Melissa just loves to look at your picture and still draws you in her pictures of our family.. They try to make me feel better when I cry.. Ken is now sad he is all alone with 3 females.. Your birthday is coming.. I think I will be happy to celebrate your Birth... I will alway cherish that moment you made me your mommy.. I don't want your Angel day to come.. I will always hate that day. I will always be your mommy. I will always love you more than life. I will always hold you close to my heart. Enough sobbing..... Please watch over your dog Sara.. I am sure you were laughing your butt off on Friday when she was acting like Kujo and kept me in the street for 15 minutes in my P.J.'s!! Did you tell her to do that?? LOL I am sure the neighbors that were out for their morning walk thought it was funny... Well it is now 3:00am and I should try to sleep for a couple hours.. I will be sleeping on your pillow.. talk to me if you can. I MISS YOU!
Love,
Mom

Tuesday August 16th 2005

2005-08-16T23:26:00.000-07:00

Well today has been a better day... I wrote to some people in hopes to get the word out about this "game" I want to make sure I can help someone else understand it and maybe save a kids life. I know you would want this too. It is hard to tell your story over and over.. I hope I don't have to watch the slideshow in my sleep... I will take the time to help others in your name son. As the months go by it hurts more and more.. I never would have imagined that I could be away from you for this long.. Sometimes I think you are gone to war.. It is so hard to wake up every morning and have to say to yourself... It is true.. the nightmire didn't go away.. He really is gone... I am working hard on living without you... but I hate it.. I think it will make me feel better to do something positive with my time and you would be happy too. You know I miss you and I love you... Keep my spot warm .... I will be there someday... Until then, I will keep writing..

LOVE YOU NICK
Mom

Monday August 15th 2005

2005-08-16T23:08:00.000-07:00

Today was the first day of school..... I got the girls to school this morning and I don't think they knew how I felt. I tried my hardest to be really happy for them and smiled real big until I walked away..... Every time I looked around the school, in a classroom, or just at other kids all I could see was you.. The last 10 years I have gotten you ready for school.. Where are you??? I stinkin' miss you... I want my junior back... This SUCKS. I know you are hear with me... but it kills me in the morning when I hear your bus go by.... I want to wake you up and see you off everyday.... I want to hear about your day when you get home... I want you to tell me you don't have any homework when I know you do. lol... I am glad today is over.. I felt like I was in a train wreck at 8:45 am.. Your sister had a nice day. Please watch over them..

I LOVE YOU NICK..... I STINKIN' MISS YOU!!!!!

Mom

Sunday August 14, 2005

2005-08-16T22:58:00.000-07:00

Well.... I haven't written in awhile.. We went on vacation the day after the last entry and that was a BIG milestone. It didn't seem right to leave without him.. I know he was with us in spirit. When we arrived at the camp of our Family Reunion I felt like crawling in a hole.. I thought I would not be able to breath.. We were greeted by the kids first...:) At first I was soooo sad when I saw them..... I wanted to throw a pitty party for myself.. but it was those wonderful kids that helped fill that HUGE VOID in my heart and drag me into having some fun. They got me to do things a wasn't going to do and I had a great time doing them. We went to the docks fishing two days in a row and that was great. I am very grateful to everyone there that made me feel good and missed Nick with me...

Thanks,
Michele

Sunday July 24, 2005

2005-07-24T19:11:00.000-07:00

Well the time has come to pack for a family vacation... It has not been the best day for me... These are the things that are the hardest.. I only have 4 plane reservations.. I am not folding any of your laundry.. I am not arguing with you about what to take. When we get on the plane tomorrow I will miss your not being there.. I will try to do the best I can for the girls and Ken... This is killing me today... I will write when I get back ....

I LOVE YOU NICK
MOM

Saturday July 23, 2005

2005-07-24T19:09:00.000-07:00

My Dearest Nickster.....
You have been gone for sometime now.... It all seems so unreal... I still think you will be coming home... I never ever thought anything like this would happen... I did not ever imagine having to live without you... I had so many other ideas of what life could and would be.. I wanted to take goofy pictures of you and your beautiful Prom date... I wanted to cheer for you at your graduation... I wanted to stand so proud of my son at his wedding and see your face when you got to hold your first child.. You would then start to understand how we feel about you.... Life has taken us on a gigantic detour...I cry everyday when I have to again tell myself this is real. We go on with our day to day lives and do what we have to even though with this pain we don't care. The person I was before was buried with you.. This new person I have become knows you are still with us all in spirit.. I am sure you will embrace the Kingdom of God as you did the life you shared with us.. We will ask God for the stength each day to get through this.. I miss you sweetheart... Please be waiting for me...

Love Mom

Tuesday July 19th 2005

2005-07-19T06:49:00.000-07:00

I was so excited yesterday to see how many people checked out Nick's Site!!!! I am sure he would be excited too!!!! It makes me happy to know his memory will live on. The ache in my heart will never go away... however today I feel good that so many have been so kind as to look at this site... You are my sunshine Nick!!! You are my Angel !!!! I LOVE YOU and I MISS YOU more than you can imagine... As time marches on I find myself wandering through life thinking why??? How much longer until I see you again??This is so not what I had envisioned our lives to be like..... I hate this change of plans that I can not control... I love you honey...

Mom

Tuesday June 21st

2005-06-21T11:20:00.000-07:00

Ok, today sucks! It hurts soooooo frickin bad. I know days like today will come and go... I cannot explain to another how I feel so stuck in this nightmire. I am powerless, I am weak, I am hurt, I am sad, I am angry, I feel like my head is spinning and I don't care.... The miss I feel cuts me like a knife. I myself have said divorce is like a death, breakups with friends are like a death... NOT TRUE!!! You can always talk to them.... seek forgiveness.... do something to ease the pain. This is FINAL.. I can't do anything.... I all I can do is cry and beg Jesus to take care of you.. I would do anything to touch you, talk to you, see you, hug you, hang out with you, fight with you, anything... Life will never be the same... never be as happy or complete. You will always be missing in my life... but alive in my heart. I have noticed people have started... Sometimes when I mention your name they just look at me and don't say much.. I will always talk about you and they can all stand there with the dumb look on their faces.. I love you punkin' you are the bomb and I will never forget it... I feel so cheated..... ( I should stop feeling sorry for myself ) I am sure you are better off now..

I Love you ALWAYS
Mom

Thursday June 16th

2005-06-16T21:01:00.000-07:00

Hey Nickster,

I am sorry I have not written..... I have thought of it nightly and cannot bring myself to it. I have done allot of soul searching as usual and you are so with me.. I am so glad I know we are still together in a strange type of way... You are an old soul and I feel we have been together before. I am sure of it. Please show me in my dreams that you are going to wait for me... You know how much I love you and I want to be with you again. I heard you tell me there is nothing we can do now exept learn to move forward with the way this is... I am ready now.. I want to learn to communicate with you. I need you in my life.. You are a soul mate.. I know Jesus is helping me and you through this..

Love,
Mom

Sunday June 5

2005-06-05T22:27:00.000-07:00

Another day passes by.... I woke up this morning the same way I do everyday... Thinking of you.. Every morning I wake up and have to remember you are gone... It is not the nicest thing to wake up too... Today you gave me something special and it made my day. I have felt good most of the day.. I am so glad to know you are with me.. I don't know why everytime I go into your room I have to make myself realize you are gone .. over and over... I just would have not EVER thought this would happen to us.. You and I were alway close and I never imagined us apart like this. I know we will make it work as best we can.... I need you... I Love You!!
Love Mom....

Friday June 3

2005-06-03T23:18:00.000-07:00

Hey Bud,

Today was a busy day.. My eyes hurt from crying. There is nothing I can do when it starts... I have to start remembering happy memories to bring me back... Someone asked me today about my necklace and I was proud to tell them it was you!! That I am able to have a little piece of you with me all the time. Earlier today in driving by a few different places in Glendale I thought about you and your infectious smile... You always made me smile.. Your pictures prove what a ham you were.... I feel close to you tonight and it is comforting. I know you and I am sure you are trying to figure out how we can still be close to each other being so far apart... Just always remember I will love you for eternity. I will be with you again someday. I miss you sooooo much!! I miss you driving me around.. I miss you listening to your music .... I miss you playing X-box in your room.. I miss you fighting with your sisters... I miss waking you up in the morning and you grunting at me.... I miss you making me breakfast.... Chef Nicky..... I miss your schemes to make money.... I miss you opening the door everyday when I get home.... I miss play fighting with you in the kitchen... I miss you showing me your "GUNS"" lol I just miss you......... I will miss you til I can be with you again..
LOVE MOM

Thursday June 2

2005-06-02T23:00:00.000-07:00

Again it was just another day... Work keeps me busy, but I still think about you throughout the day... Sometimes my heart just sinks and hurts so BAD!! I hope Jesus keeps helping me drive looking through big teary eyes.. I just want to talk to you... I want you to talk back to me.. I find it harder as time marches on.. I hate waking up everyday and having to realise you are gone. It makes me what to stay asleep forever. I hate going to bed at night because I know I have to wake up again tomorrow... I know we can't turn back time but I don't know how to accept that I have to live without you here. I am sure you are close to me.. but it is not the same.. It is hard to know what to do next.. I always thought I knew what to do and tried to always do my best... now I am just wandering through life. You are my baby and I cannot let it go.. I try very hard to be a good mom to the girls.. You would want that too... I know that... I am trying really hard to be normal with the rest of the world.. It is hard. I am so happy for the time we were together.. I am so happy I have so many fun and happy memories.. I have been working on your website.. You are proud of me for that I know.. :) You would be very excited to see your name.com. I want to make sure everyone that knew you can still visit you.. and people that didn't get a chance to meet you can!!! I hope everyone shares their stories about you with us for the site.. Thanks for cheering me up... You have always been the one to do that for me.. Love, MOM

Update... Memorial Day 2005

2005-05-31T00:05:00.000-07:00

Awe... another day we made it through... You have been gone four months now... It seems like so long since I hugged you.. I think that is one of the things I miss the most.. Your Dad, Kathy, Ken, Melissa, Melinda, Grandma, Hoppa, and I went to see your resting place today... It was very beautiful out there this morning.. I know you know... I am sure you were there with us. :) It was better to go in numbers so I didn't cry allot.. Getting through this year of firsts is HARD!! Your friends Adam and Josh came by this week to bring me your yearbook... They are soooo awesome!!! They had a bunch of the people at school sign it and we are all very grateful... Josh made you a cool plaque for your room.. It is very nice to see your friends. It helps me feel that closeness to you. I believe you are with me all the time and we will see each other again.. It just feels like a prison sentence to have to wait so long.. I worry about your Dad.. Help me help him.. Goodnight for now.. I will write again tomorrow..
Love Mom