It Has Been 2 Years... Jan 29th 2007

Well... I am sitting here tonight... alone... thinking of my boy... Wow.. back and forth... laughing and crying... it is so hard... I truly would NEVER wish this on anyone... For some of my newer friends .. My sweet 16 year old son died on January 29th 2005. He died playing a silly game calling "The Choking Game" or "The Pass Out Game" He learned the game at camp the summer before.. and had started playing it on his own. I didn't know... I didn't even know what this 'game' was.. I came home on the 27th and he had just moved into a different room and had just finished decorating it. He was sooo excited he met me at the door that night when I walked in from work.. Come see my room mom.. come on come on.. and I did.. It looked Great... we talked about painting a shelf and putting it above his bed and it would hold his Dan Marino and Jerome Betis footballs... I left his room to change and we called him to dinner 15 minutes later.. he didn't come... so we went down the hall to see what he was doing and the door was open and he was lying face down on the floor.. I called 911 and Ken started CPR... It was one of the two most horrible moments of my life.... He spent two days in Intensive Nuro Care... and we had 48 hrs from the time of the accident to decided whether to let him go .. or to leave him on life support like a vegetable.. all his organs were damaged and his brain kept swelling .. he could never return... so we made the choice to let him go home to our Father in heaven.. No parent should EVER have to do that. Holding my child as his heart stopped beating was the other most horrible moment of my life......
So.... here it is two years later... That gigantic hole in my heart is still there... I have been filling it with the wonderful memories that I have... No one can take them away.. It doesn't go away.. it just gets to be more tolerable...Somedays .. like today.. I give myself permission to just sit here and cry.. I want to share with you some of the things this life lesson has taught me..
1. Be greatful for every moment you have with those you love.. be patient, pay attention.. be loving... be kind... kiss them... hug them... Don't have any regrets. God has lent them to you and be sure to thank him for that.
2. Keep your faith... it is so important... God sends 'angels' to help you...just when you need it the most somebody pops into your life and you just say WOW how did that happen... Thanks Jesus..... just ask and he will carry you through.
3. Forgiveness..... Forgive unto others... as he forgives us... Hard to do sometimes but it can free you.
I am so grateful to all of you that have been here for me... helped me when I was psyco ..... and loved me unconditionally. You are my angels... and I thank God for you everyday!!!!!! Some of you know my pain and we share this cross and journey... I can't name you all ... but you who you are.. and I LOVE YOU MAN!!!!
I miss you Nickster... I know I write it over and over... your smile, your laugh, your scarying the shit out me, lol you helping me do stuff around the house, you driving me around, us all blasting the stereo in the car and singing like rockstars, lol waking you up every morning and you being sooo grumpy, you making me breakfast.. (champion egg flipper) you taking care of your sisters, you hustling my customers and building their swingsets for some extra cash, you reorganizing my cupboards for me monthly.. haha you sitting in your room letting out blood hurdling screams while playing that freakin X-box, that blank look on your face when I ask you were your progress report is... fighting over who is going to get the last of the mashed potatoes, ... I guess you were just like my best friend and I miss it all!!!! I know you are with me... I feel that in my heart.... I guess just like the song.. what gives me hope is knowing we will be together again someday...
Peace... Peace... my baby boy.... my best friend.. I miss you more than words can describe....... I Love You, Mom...
If you are reading this and you have a memory.. please share.. That always cheers me up!! You can also visit his website at www.nickserna.com

Thursday, August 31, 2006
Age Current mood: calm Category: Life
Sometimes it is hard to believe that so much time has pasted us by.. I know I have been alive for 40 years and when I look in the mirror I think ... what happened... I know your only 25 or so??? Time ..... I guess when I sit back and think about all that has happened since I was 25... haha WOW... I have been given some tough lessons... and some really great rewards!! Jesus has a plan for us all!! Figuring out how to execute it is sometimes difficult, but I do believe if you have FAITH, and ask for some guidence you will find your way. If you would have asked me in my early 20's how I thought life would have turned out .. haha I would have NEVER guessed I would have lived through divorce 3 times... and NEVER would have imagined living through my son's death. Even though bad things happen... and the do... I have been able to learn that the GREATEST gift of all is the ability to be thankful to Christ for all the gifts he has givin me.. and the ability to forgive. When Nick was in the hospital and we had to make the decision to turn off the life support I was at the LOWEST point of my life. There is nothing that will ever compare....ever! When Blanca told me I should think about all the gifts I had been given I looked at her like she was crazy.. I said what the hell are you talking about?? My son is going to die..??? She told me I had to be grateful for the 16 yrs and 4 months that God lent him to me... He had taught me what is was to be a mom, what is was to love unconditionly, he made grow up and be a responsible adult. This child was my best friend and was by my side through thick and thin.... Almost every thought about my past includes him. The message Blanca gave me that day was that life is made of choices... I could sit in the corner and die or be bitter... or be grateful for the time that was given to me and remember each moment with joy in my heart... As for the other bad things that have happened.... Well lets just say they don't even compare!!! That is the forgiveness part..... Jesus wants us to forgive those that forsake and betray us.... and when you can do that.. it really lightens the load. So I guess I have earned the gray hairs.. and aged look... haha however loving the Lord and keeping Faith first has lightened my heart to still feel young... :) Some people wish they could turn back time.... but I am thinking nahhh I don't want to do that again...I am accepting those things I cannot change... and I am ready for something new with my 25 yrs old heart and my 40 old body... hahahahahahaha

What would have been the 1st Day of your Senior Year

Monday, August 14, 2006

Would have been the 1st day of Senior Year Current mood: melancholy
Today would be the first day of my son's Senior Year! I wish I could see him today....... Would he be driving or riding the bus??? Would he be picking up his buddies on the way?? How tall would he be now??? I am sure he would have been 6'2 or 6'3 by now... I wish I could see your smile..... I wish I could have woke you up today..... I wish you were here... Today is a hard day... Today I am having a pity party for myself... Life is not fair... I cope with your being gone everyday... just somedays are tough!! I miss you more than words can descibe!!! I know you are hangin' out with Jesus..... I know you are still here in spirit !!! Have a good day with Josh, Katlin, Kayla, James and all the rest of the kids!! I LOVE YOU SON!!!!! I MISS YOU SON!!!
Kiss Kiss My Sweet Angel Boy..... Love ~ Mom :)

The Road and Journey.....

Hey Nick,

Sorry it has been so long since I have written... I talk to you everyday... A lot has transpired and life has taken some roads I never thought could happen... First the Good News. :) Melissa has been talking to and about you more and more... I got a call from her school counselor and she told me Melissa was in need of more grief counseling and she gave me some names. I called and one of them had a camp for kids and I signed them and myself up. Ken had to work. The girls had a GREAT time and we have been attending the follow up sessions and it has been GREAT for us all. The girls and I made some great new friends that can understand us and we can talk too!! That is so important for them!!!

We went to Eli's graduation on May 25th... it was so awesome to see him graduate. I MISSED YOU more than you can imagine... hard, torcher, sad, are just a few words to descibe the feelings I kept feeling through the ceremony.. I talked to your dad yesterday and he went to Cody's graduation that same night... I asked him how he did and he said it was better than he thought it was going to be.. We will all be at Sandra Day O'Conner next year. It is a hurdle we will make it through. It is so hard my buddy...

Well on to the other news... Ken told me on Easter that he didn't love me anymore.. WOW that was hard. I didn't have a clue.... I offered to do anything to keep our family together.. That was hard for me... but harder for your sisters. He stayed here 2 weeks and told me he really wanted to leave. We were going to both go to counciling and go from there.. The next day he told me there was someone else..... and within a week she left her husband and one of her kids and they moved in together. WOW.... that was rough... He told me that he had given me a year to get over you... hahahahahaha WOW.... I will NEVER get over you... I have learned to accept that I cannot change what happened but I will ALWAYS and FOREVER love you and keep your memories alive. YOU are my child. NOTHING will ever make your life here with me and our family disappear. The girls and I will be okay.... I will take care of them and we will work through this. Please help Melissa as she is still soooooo broken hearted over you.. and now this.... She is so precious to me.. I know you are watching over her... Did you see her hanging all over Eli today.. hahahaha She misses her big brother sooooo much!! It makes me cry to see her hurt. I tryed to move your room around (I didn't think you would mind.. hahaha) and Melinda let me have it.. hahahaha sooooo back to the way it was.. hahaha They miss you and so do I and so many more.

Tomorrow is Memorial Day and we will be at the cemetery at 9:15... We are ready to change those flowers!!! hahaha I love you my sweet boy... I promise I will never get over you... but always keep you in my heart for every minute of my life. You were my flesh and blood.. how exactly is one supposed to get over that??? I don't know.. and never will. Kiss Kiss my sweet angel boy....

I LOVE YOU ALWAYS AND FOREVER AND MISS YOU MORE THAN WORDS CAN SAY
Mom......

Your First Angel Day....

January 29th, 2006 One year ago I told you to go to Jesus.. How do you tell your baby to do that???? How do you let go of your best friend??? How do you accept your buddy will not be with you in body anymore??? How do feel??? How do breath??? How do you think??? How do you fuction?? How do you go on??? Why is this happening??? Why my baby???? How could this be happening??? What am I going to do??? These are just a few of the questions I had/have.. There are no real answers yet... I keep breathing. Sometimes it is hard. I can tell you the pain in my chest will never go away. I think about you all the time. I sometimes think you are going to come home. I know you won't in body. I think you are here in spirit helping me. It all seems so sureal!!! I hate it without you.

We had a party for you on your Angel Day.. Josh, Aaron, and Candice came over.. and the whole damn family came too!!! :) It was a BIG BASH in your memory. I am sure you were here playing pool with guys in the living room.. or was that you chasing the freakin' loud kids around the yard. hahahaha We all miss you... More than words can descibe.

Loving You Every Minute of Every Day - Mom

Christmas....

Well..... Where do I start... Christmas .. Wow... Ken got the tree out and even set it up!!! I am sure you were laughing your butt off!! The girls and I put up the decorations.. I made them sit on the floor in the dark with me, drink eggnog and sing Oh Christmas Tree.. :) I will never forget all the years it was just you and me... That first year.. haha that little tree in our little 700 sq ft apartment. ahhahaha I loved sharing a room with you.. living in a toy box... hahahaha I did my cards this year.. Love the picture?? I know you were here with us.. Grandma Judy, Papa Bruce and Justin came for Christmas. Justin stayed in your room. I didn't think you would mind. We went shopping and went to all the stores you loved.. I know you were with me.. I couldn't have done it without you!!! They had a ceremony at the cemetary and the girls got to participate.. hahaha we thought they were going to burn down the building!! hahahahaha I could hear you telling them to pay attention... I did good until the starting singing Silent Night.. That put me over the edge... Well you Dad did a great job decorating your niche' on Christmas!! No one except your Dad can even image how hard that day was. I miss you sooooooooooo much!!!!!!! You are always my pumpkin!!
Love,
Mom

December 11, 2005

Hey Stud,

Well I am trying hard to deal with Christmas... Grandma and Grandpa have been helping me with some painting and stuff. I know that was always our job.. I think you are here with us... We have been storing stuff in your room this last two weeks and it looks messy... I thought you came home.. ahaha I miss you stud.. I had a rough night last night.. The slide show and guilt..etc.. I hate that... I don't understand why we have to be apart.. I try everyday and I just don't get it.. Please stay close in spirit.. that is the only thing that is getting me through this.. I will write later..

I LOVE YOU and still miss you EVERY minute!!
Mom

Josh's Baptism November 27, 2005

Hey Nickster,
Well I know you were as proud of Josh tonight as I was!!!!! He made that leap and accepted the Jesus Christ into his heart!!! I was very proud of all 3 boys tonight. Josh is truly your friend. He has made such a difference in my life since you have been gone. I am so grateful you had such a good friend... He has brought me some happiness in all of this ... I know he loved you too.

I wish you could have been there with me.... I know you where in spirit.. :)


Still Missing You Every Minute,
Mom

Thanksgiving 2005

WOW...... How amazing it is to think I have to keep doing this with you so far away from me... Maybe not far .. but away from me.. I had to think about Thanksgiving and say.....

Lord, today I am thankful to be here on Earth to serve you... I will try to bear this cross you have given me and do my very best to help my brothers and sisters... You told us in the Bible that your people die due to lack of knowledge..... You have given me knowledge in understanding my only son's death and given me the strength to teach the others so they can share this knowledge and not have to bear the cross you gave me.... I thank you for giving me such a wonderful son to teach me the joys of being a parent. I thank you Lord for granting me the peace of understanding his mistake. I thank you Lord for holding my hand through this time of grief and sorrow... I thank you Lord for taking care of my precious child. I thank you Lord for all of the gifts you now give me that help me in my mission.

Nick, I can't possibly miss you more than I do now.. I know you heard me tell you at the dinner table that I took extra spuds for you!!! You will always be my Spud Stud. The pan on the floor... I know.. hahaha I hope you got the balloons we sent up.. We all missed your laugh, your smile, your loud mouth, your obnoxious amount of mashed potatoes.. hahaha It's all about you.. we miss you...

Next week... The stinking X-mas Tree.... You better be here in spirit to hold me together.. Your sisters will be with me.. Help me Jesus.. Help me Nick...

Still Missing You Ever Single Minute,
Mom